A satirical response to countless stories on a case of cat abuse
Michael Vick killed dogs, but Tyler Weinman committed the unthinkable—cat abuse. Investigators have been combing through Weinman’s Internet history and veterinary records of the deceased cats to find out if Weinman’s is just another case of a sadistic adolescent thrill seeking or honor killing by a dog lover over Vick’s canine abusing ways. Police also want to know if Weinman acted alone, but the cat’s got Weinman’s tongue.
The teenage kitty killer was released from jail today on $250,000 bond. Weinman will wear an electronic monitoring bracelet and remain under house arrest while he awaits trial on 19 counts of catslaughter. The question that has cat lovers choking on hairballs is “Why, would he stoop to such barbarism when there are humane ways to terminate Tabby?” One bereaved cat owner meowed, “Poor defenseless Tigger,” and fainted. Feline fanatics and police are both worried that there could be copycats.
Cat Coroner Henry Harebawl darted around the crime scene earlier today to assess the carnage. “These cats are in full rigor. I’m finding paws and claws everywhere!” he said. “By the looks of these carcasses, these puddy tats were probably catnapped around midnight and drugged with catnip; toxicology reports will tell us for sure. The toms usually go on the prowl for kitties around midnight. They were probably slain shortly after that; the Cat Examiner’s autopsy reports will pinpoint the times of death.” Harebawl also mentioned that “Cat owners, desperate to save their furniture, are so afraid of furtive feline rescuers that they won't carry kitty into a vet clinic in broad daylight. They end up turning to back alley cat butchers to get rid of their unwanted felines.”
Callie Calico of Cats Against Cat Abuse (CACA) arrived on the scene early to make sure investigators didn't overlook evidence. "I lost my kitty to a cat abuser," the moribund minx said." Calico added, "After that traumatic experience, I founded CACA and have given my life to stopping this kind of abuse from happening to other cat lovers. We’re working for a cat abuse-free world."
Weinman will be arraigned on July 6 and could get up to 158 human years in prison. That’s about 843 in cat years for the purr sadist. The defense is hoping that prosecution will accept the lesser charge of involuntary catslaughter by reason of insanity in exchange for a no contest plea. Lead investigator Bloodhound Bill Bowser (a.k.a. “Snoopy”) dismissed rumors that Weinman could end up in the same prison cell as Michael Vick. “Not on your leash!" Bowser growled. "They’d end up fighting like cats and dogs."
If my satiric take on this story strikes the reader as insensitive or offensive, I've hit my mark. I refuse to raise an eyebrow over the wanton slaughter a few cats in a society that approves the wanton slaughter of 4,000 helpless unborn human beings who are butchered, poisoned, chemically burned, and dismembered in the sanctuary of their mothers' wombs each and every day. Our priorities and indignation are misplaced and perverse and our damnation is just.
I would only ask that readers be equally indignant over the wanton slaughter every year in America of 1.5 million unborn human beings who are of inestimable value to God who made them, certainly far more valuable than any number of cats. If your contempt for cat abuse exceeds your disdain for child killing, then there is something in you that is as twisted as the neurosis that motivated Tyler Weinman to torture cats.
© 2009 Spin Cipher Publishing.
 Actual story can be found on numerous online news websites doing a Google search on “South Florida Cat Killer.”